the young people's professor

Frank. Wow. Stronger because of that.

Whoa! Well said!

This brings up a good point on an observation I've been having for the last 5 years being in Atlanta.

A lot of Gay men who are out or just more open seem to have this addiction or desire to get with guys that can never be as out as them. Like its their new mission to "enlighten" these men to "be honest" with themselves. Its like these guys don't live in the same world. To think that snomeone like an "R&B" singer in this society, no matter how famous or green, can be openly dating a dude and not have his livelihood affected...Thats a fantasy.

Its the gay equivalent of women that fall for married men, most likely you're just gonna be seeing each other in motels at 3am...

WEll Frankie,dont rude it for the rest of us LoL just jokin but seriously, that was a well written letter.

I'm compelled to echo the sentiments of Andre above...I think it's rather impossible to have a meaningful/satsifying relationship with anyone without agreement on the terms of said relationship.

This letter to a closted R&B singer is an excellent articulation of the internal Culture Wars so many of us outside the sexuality mainstream contend with.

Some years ago, I had a similar experience with a closted black intellectual who already had a PH.D., and was working on another advanced degree. With all these smarts, he still didn't want to identifiy himself as any kind of gay. I recall at dinner one time, we had a rather queenish boy as a waiter, and my date referred to this boi as "your kind." (As in "I'm not to be identified with you or this waiter boy.")

It didn't really ever work in public, and it only kind of sort of worked in private.

I decided, ultimately, It wasn't worth it to spend my precious personal time bringing this manchild beyond his self-inflicted boundaries. Selfish of me? Yes, but I think more healthy. The break up was quick for me, but took longer for him I think.

If a guy isn't ready to be honest about his sexuality, then he's not ready to be with me. I may have time for lays, but I don't have time to bring 'em up in the ways.


And I think if more of us "open and free" folk refused to seriously deal with men on less than open/honest terms, if we denied any lasting benefit to the lies and delusions, then we would be doing a world of good to move beyond these rather regrettable (and sad, just sad) circumstances.

Don't deal with these men, fellas. Even no sex...? I say no, but if it floats your boat you aren't gonna heed my advice (just be ready to end up hurt later). In fairness, sometimes it's hard to know just where one stands at the beginning of the relationship.

But for fellas like these I say no no no to cute txts, no no no to emotional entanglements, no no no to conversation beyond the cordial, none of that until they move on into maturity. And don't bother waiting on them either.

There's plenty who already have moved into real honesty and they deserve the goods, not these other ones...

That's what I did, and now I've got a boo worth bragging about.

I definitely agree with Derek Lee McPhatter's comment regarding the matter. Well said. Now in regards to your letter Frank to the closed R & B singer, I definitely can relate to you on some points.

That is why the search is still on for me...not settling for closeted, DL, because the pain runs deep when your man chooses not to be free.

I agree with everything already said.

And to be honest, I wouldn't be mad at you if you outed him. Not because I'm invested in the gay/queer politics of outing -- I'm ambivalent -- but because I feel like if you're a public personality (especially a big celebrity), you've lost the right to demand the public buy your lies AND your albums. The sacrifice of being famous, if that's what this guy is, is losing some of your privacy and being honest with fans -- people purchase the person as much as the music.

Am I being too harsh? I probably am. It's not a big deal if he decides to perpetuate the myth (or public assumption) that he likes women, but his mistreating his (would-be) lovers because of his own issues has no excuse.

Kudos Frank for being more mature than most people would be in this situation (myself included). Whether dealing with a down low man or an out man, an R&B singer or regular person, a lot of people don't have the courage to demand what's right for them. I've made that mistake way too many times.

as i told u earlier u deserve better and since he was not comfortable wit himself it was his lost. Frank you a great person with a great heart. Keep lookin forward in the quest to find love with someone who knows themself.

This is hilarious. There are people on here saying they would out the man! This is the prob that a lot of discreet dudes have with "out" femms...No respect and/or understanding of the REAL world.

I remember a fem guy say to me one time he came "out" when he was a kid because he didn't really have a choice. He was girly by nature so there was no way to deny it to others. So he felt animosity towards naturally masc dudes b/c of it...

I'll say again, a lot of times some of us need to be discreet or "closeted" due to career and livelihood. Don't blame the man because the society at large is the way that it is...If you can't deal with a discreet guy, MOVE ON! LOL...plenty of men out there who will fit into your needs, why destroy that man's career?

VERY interesting...

Performance, Performance, Performance. None of it is "real" Craig. How apt that an R&B singer should be the one to redirect our attention to the fact that this masculinity bullshi_ is performative. And if he is black, how typical that the 'negro' is cast yet again in another role where he must misrepresent himself; one where he himself is not enough. And let's not even get into this 'society's fault' debate - the man feels he must play the game, let him man up and take the blame.
Dropping the 'fem' and 'discrete dude' labels - a man that closets himself, outs another or otherwise puts on a performance is making a statement about himself. I feel like that doesn't get discussed enough in the 'real' world where, like the Fugees said, everybody's wearing masks anyway so there is no damn way to get to any kinda truth.
I admire Frank for making an attempt though.

Um...wow.

Did he make you feel some kind of way, boo?

It all boils down to one thing...CHOICE. It's his choice to be who he is and you can't fault or think badly of him because of this. Pay it and keep it moving. You should be glad you found out who he is before you got too wrapped up in the stranger.

Love ya, Frankie!!

That was beautiful. I'll love you Frankie even if he won't.

I haven't had to write a letter releasing a special friend in awhile. I thought I was the only one who did that. Write a letter releasing them, but never giving it to them. I guess, it's my final goodbye.

I liked Craig Brown's comment - I was thinking the same thing, although not in the Atlanta-ness of it. I'm learning to steer clear of the DL/not-quite-ready-to-be-out ones. Admittedly though, the swagger really does attract me. Gotta keep that in check, I do.

I’s going to put myself out there. More than a bit. Probably because after reading Frankie's note, I went into a rage. I was like, ‘here they go these I can pass, wannabe straight boys encroaching their love of conflict and self denial on us: the few, the brave, the out.’ Admittedly I am a little, maybe a lot, bitter. I like, dark skin men in the 20’s, couldn’t ‘pass’. Naturally effeminate, targeted since childhood, there was never a chance for me to explore the DL. And though I am grateful there is a part of me that is jealous. How could I not? We all wish somewhere inside us that we could turn on and off parts of ourselves. Not all the time. But there are moments when even the strongest minded business man, if he is really engaged the rest of the world, wishes he could see something another way, or wishes he wasn’t so headstrong. Or the peace loving person wishes they could shrug off their coat of white and calm and come clad with dogs of war and unleash them on a world that seems sin sick with struggle. Trust me, there are days when I look at my female friends who are smart funny intelligent and attractive and think it would be great to be after her instead o’ this fool o’er here.’ We all have those moments then we thank God for who we are, who we’ve become, and love that we are not like everyone else. Maybe
Maybe we are more alike than we pretend to be. I refuse to talk about the hetero normative performance of masculinity in the gay black community because its just hard to unbind from all is components and try to decipher info of its origins or its retentions and how to undo it… these are thoughts and trails for better brothers than Me and B. But these boys who are in the closet, these men who are unattainable do they not, on some fundamental level, pose a threat of ‘getting away’. Simple as that. If we even go so far and like I mentioned the previous I’m going to put myself out there, is it not nature to want the ‘hunt’. To see something that is attractive whether because it looks tasty to the mouth or the d-ck or it reminds us of our 5th grade crush who we always wanted to but never did, whatever the case, we are drawn to it and then it runs away or runs a little off, or acts like it doesn’t know its being chased. The thrill comes when you think, ‘hey I’ve got the speed to catch this one though.' I got the swagger the words the personality the cooking the strength to hold this ambiguous and elusive thing down and thus have it submit to me, either by conforming to my ideas or my way of thinking or just me physically.’ And there is something thrilling in that no? Something exciting about the chase. And isn’t that natural hunting mentality? I guess there are tons of things wrong with simple explanations like that. I guess my fear of being to hard on DL boys has led me to try and find some reason why most are drawn to them. Or maybe it’s the HipHop artist who myspace’d me the other day and asked me if I were fem. Knowing from years of A4A and BGC where this was leading, a rabbit hole too tight for me to get all in, I told him yes. He said it’s a shame because he doesn’t deal with fem dudes. Great, I replied that’s why I said it because I figured you didn’t, G'night. He laughed and felt the need to message me twenty more times. I thought why am I still talking to him. Albeit I was being cool read cold and short still I was engaging him. More importantly and I asked him, why was he still talking to me? He shrugged in my imagination and wrote in reality, 'Cause you kept trying to get away.'

What an amazing letter. If only you would have dated him a little longer and turned it into a movie!!!! I would have gone to see it opening night.. Though I would love to know who it is, I definitely do not think you should out him.

It's ironic that I read this entire posting after the "unfair judgement" I made about all of the people in your pictures at your friends brunch. I dont know you or any of your friends you just took me back.
Good looking men with a young hip hop look to them. I thought about a relationship I had with a guy several years younger than me who dropped me at the prodding of his trendy, homothug friends. These friends, all my age or older in our 30's at the time, convinced him I was "corny" because my style was Johnston and Murphy and not Timberland. He said he loved me and always found opportunity to compliment me but when it came to hanging out with his friends I posed a problem for him (which I didnt find out until much later after breaking up) I was cool but didnt fit the street look and would throw off their public persona.
The R&B singer's thoughts about what was best about you for him is the shallow that is becoming too much of our community. From the educated professionals to the blue collar dropouts, from the old school queens to the new "children", we all seek approval and acceptance through our image. Hopefully we are moving towards accepting and approving ourselves. We have a Black man in the White House but even greater an unapologetic Black woman who is loved by that man even with her looking like a Black woman. I pray we all get the example.

Its so obvious who the R&B singer is. Its Ms Neyo, honey chil!...

Anonymous, that guess was typical and tired. I think it was J Holiday, but it really doesn't matter who it was. This letter was heartfelt and i'd bet more than a few closeted R&B singers exist.

Yes, Typical and tired just like your comments honey! Beat It!

I never understand why people would say that they "need" to pretend to be straight because of their job... get another job. You don't have to be out, but why would you think that your job has to come between you and your LIFE. Keep your life separate from your career, moderate your actions outside of work, get a career where you can be yourself. It's 2008, there are options outside of crippling yourself for the sake of appearances.